i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
