when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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