Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
