so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize