I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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