You surviving the open bar?
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Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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