You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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