Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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