Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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