Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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