My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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