her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
