Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize