I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
