I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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