Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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