I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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