i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize