my phone needs a breathalizer
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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