i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize