Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
