he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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