My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
