do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
