I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
