So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
