Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
