It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
