If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
