is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
