Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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