If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
