none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize