he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
