Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
