walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
