i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
