So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
