please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
