dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
