But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
