I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
