Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
