mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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