the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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