Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
