Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I puked a lego.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize