I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
