You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
