Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
