I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
