Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
