Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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