i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
