My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
