ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize